What three things do you love about yourself?
I wouldn’t be able to answer this question if you asked me this 7 years ago.
I was told my boobs were so tiny no man likes that.
I was told I dress up baduy, and was so unattractive.
Worst thing I heard, only dogs like bones (in reference to my slender build).
Then when I learned how to wear clothes and accessories, I was told I’m inviting unwanted attention or showing off.
And many people have compared me to others. How other ladies of my age already acts maturely, or how others act lady-like at 14 and I still play hopscotch.
This resulted to many years of self-hatred. I was not only self-critical, I just didn’t like myself, I was straight up hateful of myself.
I thought that in order for me to be lovable, I needed to look and be like other people. This happened before social media, and when I first using IG, this feeling has intensified.
I ended up neglecting myself. Not just lacking in self-care, but neglecting my health. I wouldn’t go to the doctor unless I feel like I was dying.
Many of you might have done this, too.
If you have a pet, you would take your pet to the vet if they look weak.
You would remind your mom or dad their medication but you would easily forget to take your supplements.
Happens to me.
The only matter is, it goes deeper.
At work, I would low ball myself and give more to clients because I was so scared to lose them. And many times did I pass off opportunities for promotion or partnership because I didn’t think I can handle the responsibilities.
I would look for approval from others, and guidance from elders, because I don’t trust my own intuition and genius.
I was looking for the love from the external — from a man who will adore me, from adoration from my peers, from other people’s approval of me.
How does this relate to self-love?
Self love is love of oneself. It’s your appreciation of your own self-worth. It’s the absence of criticism, judgement, and all other emotions that sabotage your own happiness.
Self-love is not egoism, it’s not vanity nor narcissism. Actually, narcissists don’t love themselves, they love the IDEA of themselves, may that be true or only made up.
Most of us are unconscious that our self-worth can manifest in our material world.
Because of my lack of self love, I attracted clients who just ran away after a month, leaving me unpaid and scammed.
I attracted someone who was not good for me. He was verbally abusive and demeaning. I was in a relationship with him for almost a year and even considered leaving my life here in Gensan to be with him.
Worst thing that happened, it distanced me from the people who cared most about me — my parents, sisters and closest friends. I would pick a fight and project my judgements and self-hatred to them.
I was toxic. I would admit to that. My self-toxicity overflowed, and many of my friends have left me for that.
I suffered, to say the least.
It was after my break up from that abusive relationship that I really saw myself worth and for the first time, I was seeing myself in a different light.
I went to the gym and worked out. I also found yoga, which now led me to my teaching practice.
I started a long journey to personal transformation through personal growth materials I got my hands to. I would attend seminars and workshops, and believe that I have what it takes to fulfil my potential.
I was giving myself more time, attention and love.
It was when I become love, when I gave myself the attention and care, which before I was seeking from others, that I felt worthy!
I was the love I was seeking all these time.
I didn’t develop self-love automatically. It just didn’t happen magically, too. It took me time. It’s like being in relationship as well. You don’t just wake up loving someone, you nurture that feeling.
4 Ways to Foster Self-Love
1 – Expand Your Comfort Zone
Challenging yourself to do new or difficult things can lead you to discovering your strengths and weaknesses. This then leads you develop self-respect. Self-respect helps one build firm and confident boundaries.
Don’t overthink this. Simply doing more reps in your push up, or taking cold showers can expand your comfort zone.
2 – Disconnect from the Noise
Take some time off social media or any digital noise and spend more time in silence, solitude and stillness. Practicing meditation, journaling and reflection are great way to remind you of your priorities, discover more about yourself and attune to your intuition more.
3 – Honour your Uniqueness
Everyone of us is unique. You don’t need to look like someone else, actually get out of the mould that is social media instead honour your uniqueness. You can give yourself some time to reflect on the personal challenges that you went through in life and remember that your mistakes are what make you unique.
4 – Be in Service to Others
The more you help, the more joy, fulfilment you feel within you. You don’t need to make a big move to help others. Simply holding the door for others, genuinely greeting your neighbour in the hallway, you know simple acts of kindness are enough service that can bring you joy and fulfilment.